Monday, February 4, 2019

A Tale of Two Pants

(EURIPEDES PANTS enters from right, crosses to center. Enter WOMAN from left, wearing slacks, blouse, and blazer, crosses toward down center. Euripedes sees her, crosses toward her, hand outstretched as if to shake hands)

EURIPEDES PANTS
Euripides Pants.

(Woman stops and recoils in horror)

WOMAN
I did no such thing! Look, not a scratch on them anywhere. Who are you?

EURIPEDES PANTS
Euripides Pants.

(Woman slaps him, starts to cross to right, stops, looks back at him)

WOMAN
You cheeky thing.

EURIPEDES PANTS
(pointing to slapped cheek)
This cheek.

(Woman exits right as NARRATOR enters from right and crosses to down right)

NARRATOR
And so begins the tale of Euripedes Pants, wandering clapper, and inventor of the square.

EURIPEDES PANTS
(to audience)
I tell you, with this I'll corner the market. I've got the right angle on this.

(MAN runs in from left holding two pairs of pants, crosses to center, holds up pants)

MAN
Two pants!

(Man drops pants and runs off right)

EURIPIDES PANTS
(to audience)
That man dropped his pants.

(SECOND MAN runs in from up right, stops up center, points offstage right)

SECOND MAN
He's naked under his pants!

(Second Man runs off left, screaming in terror) 

EURIPEDES PANTS
I say--

(Second Man runs in from left, screaming in terror, and runs off right)

EURIPEDES PANTS
(to audience)
The Doppler Effect.

NARRATOR
Meanwhile, back at the farm...

(FARMER enters from right, with a bucket)

FARMER
(singing)
Old Macdonwald was a traitor
Och aye och aye oh
And then he went and fought--

EURIPEDES PANTS
Don't say it!

FARMER
(beat, then resumes singing)
And then he fought the Scottish Play
Och aye och aye oh

(Euripedes and Farmer link arms and skip in a circle while continuing to sing)

FARMER AND EURIPEDES PANTS
(singing)
With an och aye here
And an och aye there
Here an och
There an och
Gaun yersel' och aye
Old Macdonwald now is dead

(They stop singing and dancing around)

FARMER
Who are you?

EURIPIDES PANTS
Euripedes pants.

FARMER
No I didn't.
(holds up bucket)
I'm going to Grandmother's house to take her some treats.

(Euripides looks inside bucket)

EURIPIDES PANTS
The bucket's empty.

FARMER
Aw, shit.

(Farmer puts bucket over head and shuffles away to exit left)

EURIPIDES PANTS
(looking after Farmer)
I'm Euripides Pants!

(MAN enters from right and crosses to Euripides, taps him on the shoulder. Euripides turns around.)

MAN
I'm your brother, Under..

(They smile at each other and exit left, skipping. Narrator watches them go, then turns to audience.)

NARRATOR
Friznit.

BLACKOUT.

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