Saturday, December 20, 2014

The Lie

I've been perpetuating a lie.

To many of you.

But mostly to myself.

If you've been following me on this blog for some time, you've probably noticed that I've attempted to "re-boot" myself several times. For a long time I wrote sci-fi/fantasy stories and also blogged extensively about gun rights issues. Then, for a time, I added song parodies. And then, "off-base" stories (aka The Jericho Files). And then, writing audio drama reviews.

Then it was back to writing sci-fi/fantasy. Writing "escapist fiction" to be exact.

Looking back, beyond the blog and back through my teens and into my twenties, it seems I went through this "re-booting" thing a lot. I was going to be a screenwriter. A comic book creator. Director. Voice actor. Audio Fiction Narrator.

I'd be this "New Me" for a time.

Then I'd revert back to my default state.

Which, you might be guessing, is "writer."

Right?

Well...

That's what I'd been telling myself since the 5th grade and for more than three decades: "You, sir, are a writer. No matter what you appear to go and do, you are, at heart, a writer. A creator of stories."

And for three-plus decades, I believed that. I truly, wholeheartedly believed that was my purpose on this planet.

To be a writer.

Until recently.

You might recall earlier this year I had a meltdown.

I wrote about it in this post and came to a conclusion about what it meant.

But I have now realized the conclusion I came to at that time was incorrect.

Recent events have now made that abundantly clear.

See, I haven't written any fiction since the end of July. Each time I sat down to work on the next story, I came up with zero words. Not even freewriting or writing exercises or prompts or even taking a break to read would open up the words. By mid-October, just the act of sitting at the computer or with a writing pad became a task.

By early-November, I found that my heart just wasn't "in it" anymore.

"Holy cats!" I thought. "What in the Wide Wide World of Sports is a-goin' on here?"

So I took a closer look.

After several weeks of quiet reflection I came to a realization.

I am not a writer.

I am a performer.

Looking back, really looking back at my life, at my choices, at my activities, at the things I've done and have participated in, it now make total sense.

It was always about performing. About hamming it up. About getting up in front of people and making them smile or laugh or enjoy themselves.

It was about entertaining people.

Performing.

Writing had really been secondary. More of a tool for performance. I wrote so that I could perform what was on the page in some way, shape, or form.

But somewhere, some time, way back when, I bought into the idea that to be a performer you had to sound like Sinatra or look like Brad Pitt.

And me, short, glasses, and big ears, well--forget it, kid.

So I turned to writing thinking it would fulfill me.

And yet as I look back throughout grade school, high school, and college, I kept noticing ways that I would perform for people. Acting out NPCs in my D&D and RPG campaigns. Participating in school plays. Taking musical theatre roles in high school and college. Joining a choir. Taking acting classes. Being an actor at a Renaissance Faire. Taking a workshop on stage combat.

Hell, I even wrote, produced, and directed at zero-budget martial arts short film and a sci-fi radio drama that allowed me to play a couple of supporting roles.

All in the name of performing.

And yet through it all, I was still convincing myself it was about the writing.

No.

It's clear to me now.

It was all about performing.

And now it's time to accept and come to terms with that truth.

I am--and always have been--a performer.

And so, Folks, allow me to (re)introduce myself:
I'm Abner Senires, and I'm a voice actor.



No comments: