Friday, December 16, 2011

"A Dire Warning" by Dr. Ace T. Jericho, Rogue Journalist

"Mere anarchy is loosed upon the world"
—"The Second Coming," William Butler Yeats

An Intertubes Associate named Pit Viper* posted to his blog recently talking about politics and religion, which took me so completely by surprise, I coughed up oatmeal through my nose when I read it. You see, PV (as I sometimes call him; other times, Captain Studpants) does not usually post about such things. Typically he writes about the writing process, discos, and mathematical formulas for insanity.

It was my duty to save him, from himself and from the Politicals and Religionists who routinely troll the Intertubes, looking for troublemakers. And PV (who sometimes goes by the codename "Sexual Viking") fit that description to the letter.

So I wrote a comment on his blog post:
You poor fool! The Politicals and the Religionists have a finger of the pulse of the Intertubes and they will no doubt find out about this screed. Quick! Arm yourself with large-caliber hand and long-range weapons. They will come for you in no time flat. There isn't a moment to waste!!!
Shortly after that, another Intertubes Associate named Katydid* did the same thing, talking about politics and religion on her blog. And this time, she directly named a possible candidate for U.S. Emperor. If PV was a potential troublemaker, they'd likely see Katy as a potential Count Dooku, despite looking nothing like Christopher Lee. I attempted to post a comment on her blog but, due to inexplicable security issues, some involving complex encryption algorithms akin to the movements of distant solar flares, I was unable to do so.

Which, no doubt, begs the question from you, Dear Readers: "Why do you consort with snakes and insects?"

But more importantly: "Did they—your snake and insect compatriots—not know the dangers of discussing politics and religion? Especially on the Intertubes?"

It seems they don't. Or at least, they didn't realize the depth of that danger.

Unlike me, of course. I learned of the power of the Politicals and Religionists nearly twenty years ago. Back then, they trolled the wilds of Usenet, CompuServe, and AOL. I narrowly missed being one of their targets, if not for the swift use of applied esoterica. A throwaway mention of Exo-Man sent them sniffing elsewhere, completely ignoring me.

Saved by Martin Caidin, despite the fact that I didn't care for his Indy-Sky Pirates novel. But Steve Austin had been a good television companion in my youth, so it balanced out.

I later learned from Skinner, my go-to info guy, that Michelangelo (neither the artist nor the turtle) was a product of a Politicals/Religionists strike against its enemies, though why it began in New Zealand is not fully known. (Skinner thinks it was simply to mislead and I tend to agree with him. It helps to agree with Skinner on such things. He is well-entrenched in that sort of knowledge.)

But I saw the panic and destruction that Michelangelo wrought upon the world back then, including LANSpool. And that was only in the early 90s. Given the advancement of computer technology, the Intertubes, and LOLCats, a similar event today would be hugely bad.

Instant Apocalypse.

Consider this a warning, Dear Readers. A dire warning. Quite different from dire wolves, despite also being of dire-ness dire-ity.

And the warning is this: Don't poke the caged Politicals and Religionists.

They bite.

*Names have been changed to protect Pope Innocent.

Come back next week for another entry of The Jericho Files!
Read previous Jericho Files entries here.

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