Saturday, July 10, 2010

Comic-Con Protest and The Gospel According to Kal-El

SCI FI Wire reported on the upcoming protest at Comic-Con. Bleeding Cool then suggested 10 ways to counter that protest.

I planned on doing my version of #4, but the protest is set for Thursday and I won't get to the Con until Saturday. How sucky is that?

And so, I have decided to share it with all-y'all.

Here is my rendition of the Gospel According to Kal-El.

Selections from The Book of Kal-El
by AceTachyon

Here be The Book of Kal-El.

In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was Comic Book, and the Comic Book was Action Comics #1.

And there was a man sent from Action Comics #1, whose name would be Superman.

And this man, from a world he did come, a world known as Krypton. And he was born of Jor-El and Lara, and they called him Kal-El, whose name means "all that is God."

But the world Krypton then vanished in a great cataclysm, and all those on Krypton did perish.

And it came to pass that before the cataclysm and destruction of Krypton did Jor-El find Earth, our world, and so did Jor-El love our world that he sent us his only begotten son, Kal-El, that whosoever believeth in him shall fight for Truth, Justice, and the American Way up to issue 700. 700 shall be the number of the issue, and the number of the issue shall be 700.

Then there came a mighty roar, and the heavens of our world did part, and a vessel did burst forth from the skies. And thus did the boy Kal-El did alight upon a field clad in swaddling clothes and hidden inside the vessel. And there was he found by Jonathan and Martha Kent, who raised him as their own.

And so did the boy grow into manhood and lo! learnéd he that great powers were his. Faster was he than a bullet speeding. More powerful was he than a locomotive. Able was he to leap tall buildings in a single bound. And so did he call himself Superman, and he did bear a spitcurl, and he was clad in blue raiment and a red cape, and he did have on his chest a shield upon which was laid an 'S'.

Hark! In the sky! 'Tis a bird. Nay, 'tis a plane. Nay, 'tis Superman.

Then went he to Metropolis and took he the form of Clark Kent, mild-mannered reporter for yon newspaper, Daily Planet. And thus did he wander among the men and women of Metropolis and they knew not who he was.

But yea, verily, when he was needed, thereupon did Superman come forth to lay down judgment against those who did not hearken unto the law.

And thus did Superman battle great foes of immense power and wily ways. And among their number were Bizarro, Mongul, Darkseid, Mr. Mxyzptlk, Metallo, and many others. And the greatest of these was Lex Luthor.

And in that time did Superman also gather an array of great heroes of vast power to help in his fight. And among these were Batman, Wonder Woman, Martian Manhunter, Green Lantern, the Flash, and Aquaman. And still other heroes did join in to give their aid in the battle. And they did call themselves the Justice League.

And it came to pass that a creature of great power did arise from the bowels of the earth. And did members of the Justice League meet the beast and did wage war against, it but they were all cast down. And in one battle did the beast lay upon the hero known as Booster Gold and did strike him with such fury that the blow did send him into the heavens. And there did Superman catch him, and did Booster say unto Superman: "It's like Doomsday is here."

And thus was the beast dubbed Doomsday.

And so did Superman battle Doomsday. And they did war upon one another, and it did rage all over, and their war cast a mountain to the ground, and a living forest, too. And lo! did Doomsday come down upon Metropolis. And did the armies of Metropolis set upon the creature and rain down fire and destruction upon the beast. But to no avail.

Then did Superman cry out: "Avaunt, foul beast! Here upon Metropolis thus draw the line I do!"

And once more did Superman and Doomsday join in battle, and their blows were mighty, as like a great wind that did shatter glass upon the buildings, and there were thunderings, and earthquakes, and the earth below them was rent asunder.

An lo! Superman smote Doomsday, and the beast fell dead. But Superman was also struck down and fell. And the peoples of the world wept and all was in darkness. And for a time, there was naught of the Man of Steel.

But yea, verily, hearken unto the news, for Superman did arise from the dead. And he did save Coast City from the villainous Mongul and the Cyborg, who meant harm for that place, and for the world. And did Superman regain his powers. And there was much rejoicing, and he was truly alive, and he was truly Superman.

And thus did they make movies of his life. Two movies to praise. Two movies to disavow any knowledge of. And his Return, in which many are mixed in emotion.

And thus, also, does Superman walk the world, and there does he touch the hearts of all who meet and read of his exploits.

And thus is the tale of Superman, the tale of Kal-El.

Praise be Supes. Blessed be Big Blue.

If any of you are of a mind to actually perform this reading at the protest, be my guest. Here's a PDF copy.


  1. You must go early dressed as a Sith and carrying a 'God Hates the Force within Jedis' sign :D